19 Reasons Why My Husband Cheated On Me

This story below was shared in April 2024 on Soul Sisters Pakistan by an incredible Soulie who talks about how she was able to deal with infidelity in her marriage and what helped her. The writer chose to stay anonymous to protect her privacy.

^{Trigger Warning: This article contains explicit details about infidelity, which may be distressing or upsetting to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.}

I was 18 when I first met him. 2 weeks later, he told me he wanted to marry me. 9 years later, he made me his wife. Nearly every day in between, he told me I was his entire world, his strength, his purpose.

And yet he cheated on me with 19 women. I will never, ever forget the night I found out.

It was October 2023. I had recently moved to Dubai for work. I was excited for this fresh beginning, because the year before had been very turbulent, and I was emotionally exhausted. In the last year, his attitude towards me had suddenly changed. Angry outbursts, constantly questioning what I brought to the table, and a constant fixation with “respect” and how I didn’t give or get him or his family any respect. I had switched jobs so that I could spend more time with him. I had paid off his student loans. I had loaned him tens of thousands of dollars to invest in his business.

Yet, nothing I did was ever enough. He was never happy.

“Maybe it’s nazar”, said his family. “Maybe you need to pray more”, said my family.

Fast forward to that fateful day. I woke up in the middle of the night. Randomly. I felt restless. I started pacing around my apartment. I had never felt like this. My gut was telling me something, and I decided to listen to it.

For the first time in my life, I decided to open his laptop. I had never felt any reason to do this ever before, and I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for, but I kept digging. And then I found it - photos, conversations and sexts. With 19 different women.

Sitting in my bathroom in the middle of the night, alone in a foreign country, and with shaking hands, I started to type. I took that list of girls and searched every single name in his WhatsApp, Facebook messenger, iMessage and email. And then I started screen-shotting. 19 girls, nearly 11 years of conversations. And then I cleared all my search history, put the laptop back, and left the apartment.

He was fast asleep. And my world had ended. I went out on the street and called my best friend. I spent an hour sobbing over how my life had fallen apart.

I had to get over it. I had put up with mistreatment for a long while. And deep down inside, I knew it was over a long time ago. Now I had enough.

We made a checklist of what to do next. At 3 am, I called my childhood friend who is a lawyer, and asked him to draw up divorce papers. And then I sat out in the streets, and waited for fajr, so I could call my parents in Pakistan. I spoke to them and told them what I had found, and how I had decided to leave him. I calmed them down, and told them I would handle everything here on my own. And then I went back home. He was still fast asleep.

I changed all my bank passwords. I hid my passport, all the knives and the house keys I had given to him. I transferred all the screenshots to my laptop, and made folders, one for each woman he cheated on me with. And then I sat and waited for him to wake up.

He woke up, blissfully unaware of what I had been up to for the last 8 hours. He made breakfast, ate his eggs quietly, while I sat and tried to figure out how to confront him. I knew I needed to get him out in public because I had no idea how he would react. I made an excuse and pretended to be sick so he would go down to the pharmacy to get me medicine. As soon as he left, I went down to the lobby so I could speak to him in a public place. And then, I asked him to come sit in the lobby because I needed to talk.

He had no idea what this was about. I mentioned the first girl’s name and asked him who she was. He nonchalantly said it was a “former client” of his. Then I took the second girl’s name. Also a “former client”. I took the third girl’s name. And fourth. And fifth. By now he had gotten very aggressive. Telling me I was stupid. I had no idea what I was doing. That I was hell bent on ruining this marriage. “What the fuck was wrong with me? What kind of bullshit was I accusing him of?”

He had always been a very smooth talker, and he really thought he could talk his way out of this. Except not this time. I whatsapped him the entire link with the folders full of proof. He looked at the link, and realized it was game over. There was no talking himself out of trouble.

“I’ll go pack my bags” was the only thing he was able to say.

“Yes, let’s do that”, I replied.

We went back to the apartment. I started a 60 minute countdown timer on my phone, and asked him to pack his bags and get out of my house.

While he packed, he went through the entire spectrum of emotions. First anger. Calling me stupid and thick headed. Demanding I come inside so we could speak. Then came the guilt. He admitted to everything. Said it had been a “mistake”. He was “only leading the girls on”. “It was always just me and no one else”.

Eventually he admitted to having physical relationships with many of these girls. Swore he had changed after Umrah. Swore there had been nobody during the marriage.

And then he called his mother. And one of the first sentences said to her was “Amma, she has found out everything. Aik na aik din toh hona he thaa.” Turns out his parents knew. All his friends knew. They had all known all along.

I kicked him out. Told him I needed my money back. Within 5 weeks, I had filed for divorce. 90 days later, I was free. Meanwhile my lawyers went after him, to get what was rightfully mine. He didn’t have any money left, so his parents had to pay me back on his behalf.

It’s been nine months since that night. I am happier than I ever have been before. My chronic anxiety went away. I’ve been told by my family, my friends, my boss and my therapist that I dodged a bullet. My career is thriving beyond my wildest imagination. I don’t have somebody making me cry myself to sleep every two days.

How did I get here? There are 10 things that worked in my favour and I hope they can help someone else too:

1. Financial independence, with a very well-paying job, and an apartment lease in my name.

2. Access to my assets and resources, with bank accounts and credit cards and assets separate from his; my jewellery in my own locker. I did not have a joint account.

3. Documented proof of his cheating on a Dropbox folder where he couldn’t delete anything, voice recordings of him verbally abusing me, and recordings of him admitting to the cheating and to owing me money collected over time.

4. Legal support from my amazing friends/lawyers, who fought for months for me.

5. The right to divorce, which was non-negotiable for me in my Nikkah Nama.

6. A giant support system, of family, friends and colleagues stood behind me.

7. Therapy, to help me process what had happened, and to understand how my ex-husband was a professional gas lighter, narcissist and emotional abuser.

8. Time, to accept what had happened, and to make the decision to walk away with a calm head.

9. A non-Bechari mindset, where I exercised my agency, handled my own matters and made every decision on my own terms.

10. A sense of humour, to be able to laugh at the situation.

^{The above story has been shared by an anonymous writer who first posted this story on our Facebook Community in April 2024.}

Kanwal’s note: It has to be said that not everyone has as the same level of access or privilege as the Soulie who shared her story above did, and everyone is in a different emotional situation as well. But there is a lot of life lessons that her story empowers us with - for example: keeping proof of abuse, keeping bank accounts separate, working towards financial independence and most importantly - raising our daughters to be self-sufficient knowing that the doors to their parents’ home will always be open.

I spoke to Mahnoor Shaikh at Aks Counselling to share some pointers as an expert, that would apply to anyone who is dealing with infidelity and here’s what she said:

Finding out you’ve been cheated on can result in a combination of different emotions. Denial, shock, anger, sadness. Struggling to make sense of this new reality of betrayal is a difficult experience. This is what results in the inability to decide about your future with your partner - whether to stay or to leave the relationship and something as simple as continuing daily tasks without anxious thoughts and breaking down.

There may not be one right way to deal with this experience, but this is what is encouraged to do:

1. Identifying that your body is in a state of shock/panic which is resulting in excessive stress hormone and adrenaline being released. This can lead us to a fight or flight, hyper vigilant state. We may not eat or sleep like usual. Identifying this will help the process, and reach a level of calm where you can think a bit rationally. It is not encouraged to make any decisions at this point.

2. Self-care: even though it may seem like the whole world has collapsed, your body still needs rest and food. Drink a smoothie/milkshake if you can’t cook, but don’t stop taking care of yourself or ignoring your health. This results in no good.

3. Get screened by a doctor for STDs and don’t have unprotected sex with your partner. Even if you suspect the affair was emotional, you cannot risk your own health. Communicate these boundaries to your partner as well.

4. Stay away from social media or other places to dig for more evidence if you already have enough proof. This leads to more pain and hurt in some cases and does not help the situation.

5. Don’t engage in self-blame for the cheating to have occurred. You did not cause the cheating to happen. It’s not the way you look or behave, this is totally on your partner. The onus is not on you to save the relationship for you, the kids or the society. You need to look out for yourself and what your nervous system can handle.

6. Speak to a loved one you trust when you’re ready.

7. Seek professional help for yourself to navigate how to work through betrayal trauma.